This video was made with 1 (possibly 2) still-frame images of light shining on a wall through a window in the morning. Very, very golden – almost having a substance and shine of its own there on the wall. I hadn’t been thinking about universal form, and hadn’t been noticing – at least for a couple of days – the patterns in things. It’s a particular way of seeing, a studying, a manner of orienting one’s sight and might to deeply look at the way everything lays over everything else to move and form up what we can see, covering what we can’t. – but, still showing the shadows of forces beyond perception. It is a state of consciousness, a mode of participation, engagement – this way of seeing.

A primary driver of my determination to create coherent re-presentations of my work as an artist is the necessity – at this critical point in my personal, professional, and vocational development – to disengage with tasks and activities that undermine, disrupt, corrode, inhibit, exhaust, or otherwise fuck with my capacity to inhabit the world in the state of consciousness and functional cognition that allows for – if not is central to – my art and research, and thus central to my purpose and passion in existing and to my sources of joy and wonder in existing. That, to me, is important.

I hadn’t been thinking about it engaging with patterns much, because I spent quite a bit of time this season in a muddle about work and earning wages and not able to focus on anything at all. It was during this period of time that I began to realize that I may not be able – in the literal sense of ability in cognition, executive function, social and communicative mediation and adaptability, etc. – to do the work I had been doing, which was the only work I thought I might be able to do, as other areas of disability involving extremely variable sensory integration and stress vulnerability challenges stemming from neurodiversity factors has seriously side-lined me in terms of most industries and occupations in the United States. It may be possible, I was realizing during the period of time – roughly – that I made this video, that being an artist and the sort of experimental researcher I am may be the only work I am able to do as I enter this stage of my life.

I walked into the room that I am perpetually moving into and out of and never quite fully live in, and the light on the wall was playing like happenstance magic on the wall, shifting shadows of leaves forming shapes and faces, stories. I photographed it all for 10 minutes and then the sun moved from specific position and the light was no longer reflecting off the slightly glossy leaves of the hedges grown to trees.

I didn’t know what I was going to find or make when I started layering, and was delighted when this moth-like form appeared. �